The new job is going 'okay.' I say just okay because literally every day I learn something new, and because it's a school year, that means there are still things I won't learn until they happen. Like, I'll have no idea what happens during final exam week until June. I won't know what we do while the kids are off for Christmas until next month. Because I started after school started, there are still 10 months before I'll know what we do when the school year first starts.
On the upside, people are constantly reassuring me that no one expects me to be an expert that things for at least a year or two. That's frustrating to me. Give me a mortgage processing job and I'll have it mastered in a few weeks. Hell, even that bullshit claims processing that I was doing, I owned that within a week.
Anyway, that frustration has influenced and been built upon from pretty much every aspect of life. Last night I was hanging out with this guy Tyler, and the thing to know about us is we've been flirting and skirting around each other for three years. I've always backed off because he's eleven years younger than me and it just always felt so wrong. He's my younger cousin's friend, so most of our hangouts were just Bills games and parties. All group stuff. Never really alone, except for the one game when he got way too drunk and after the game we sat and cuddled in the bus while everyone else was still tailgating. But last night... Just us, alone. I'll spare you any details, but let's just say after three long years of sexual tension piling and piling and piling... Disappointed. It would not make my top five. Maaaaaybe top ten.
And yes, damnit, there are more than ten. Not ashamed.
On top of that, I told a couple of you that because of the pay periods here, I won't get paid until November 26. That's three weeks without a paycheck. I got paid last week for my last week from claims in October, but I took a half-day that Monday, then I only worked till Thursday, so it wasn't even a full paycheck. Luckily, I'm fiscally responsible enough to always have a two-month obligations buffer (translation: I always have enough money to at least pay bills for two months), but that doesn't leave me any spending money, and I refuse to dip into account or my savings. Even though I did end up dropping $30 on VIP the other day, after at least an hour of going back and forth with myself on it. So I've been relying on Kara's grocery shopping, plus snagging food from my parents. Being a mooch is driving me crazy.
I'm also sick. I had a cold. It became a sinus infection. Then mild bronchitis. Then Kara got sick because I'm always next door getting food. Now I'm pretty sure we're just giving it back and forth to each other. So my head feels like I'm both underwater and floating in the air.
And then of course, there's this lovely game, the reason that we all know each other. Perhaps because of all the lapses I take, I keep disconnecting from my characters, which just makes me even more anxious, then I avoid them again, which just makes it worse. I don't know. What I do know is that my two favorites (honestly, it's not hard to figure out which two they are - well, one of them might be a little less obvious) are pissing me off more than the others.
I finally sent Nate off to NPC-land. Literally the moment I clicked 'use' on the poison, this huge feeling of relief flooded over me, followed by a half-second of regret, then back to relief. Let's face it, Nate's pretty much been an NPC for.... I don't even know how long. I just choose to believe that he and Lacy are living a quiet little life with Everly either out in Brooklyn, or maybe even up in Westchester and Gabe is living with Astrid again.
I'm thisclose to having Chelsea join him, but, because I have Amelia, I can't bring myself to do it. I realize that I can just RP that Chelsea is still around, but... yeah. I don't know. Natalia.. kind of the same. I need her around for Olivia and Logan. Speaking of those two, for some reason I keep wavering between Olivia sounding much older or much older than her age. I'm not sure why. She's much more innocent than a lot of other people her age, which probably makes her come across as younger. Who knows? Logan... *sigh* I'm really bad at RPing him. Like.... bad. So. Kudos to the few of you that keep throwing life-jackets to those conversations.
Troy and Parker... are finally sounding different again.
I marathoned some Gossip Girl again to try to get my feel for Troy back again. Smartly skipped season two to avoid the Troy and Natalia imagery. It kicked some life back into him. Troy has always been nonchalant about his family's money. He spends as much as he wants, whenever he wants, but he doesn't make a big deal about it. He's sophisticated and cool and laid back and just... a man of few words, unless you really piss him off or he's feeling emotional.
Parker remains relatively soft-spoken, though I was happy to see he does have a little fight in him when it comes to things that matter. Seeing him defend his wife was pretty thrilling. He got all growly and hissing. Pretty intense for him.
Now that Senia is getting older, there are very few things I can picture even RPing for her. Career-wise, things are winding down. Family-wise, she's so happy just being a grandparent. There's really no reason for relationship drama, at this age it just every day stuff, which I'm horrible at RPing when it comes to her, so most of it is just her and Richard talking about their kids.
And then there's Madalynne. *sigh* She's a shell of who she was, which makes her sooooo hard for me to play her right now. It breaks my heart to see her this way, but there's no other way for her to be. She's lost her grip on reality a little bit, and she's having a really hard time reconciling what she feels with what she sees and hears. I have no idea where the proverbial light at the end of they tunnel is, which just makes things harder.
So... yeah. If I seem less than enthusiastic about the game, my characters, or anything else lately... it's not you. It's a combination of everything. Much like Madalynne, I can only maintain my 'Everything's okay' public persona for so long, and since I do it all day at work, I'm spent by the time I get home.